Let me set the scene. It is late afternoon and we are at the Rec center for swim lessons. I am just minding my own business, watching Tyler run around precariously on the wet tile while putting a toe in the water every now and then. In my boredom I decide to scan the pool to see what I can see. My eyes land on a cute little father/daughter team as they splash and laugh in the pool. "Isn't that nice," I think to myself. I was just getting ready to think of some other nice things when the father stands up. Hello European speedo. I don't know if that is what it is really called, but it was a bit looser than a speedo and definitely not the board short kind of suit that I wanted to see. It was like a bad car crash for me. Part of me wanted to cover my eyes and start screaming, but the other part of me couldn't stop glancing in his direction. It was just so wrong. "Maybe he's from France," I tell myself, wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt. But then I heard him talk. No such luck. Not a trace of an accent. So now the horrific image is forever burned on my brain, and it is not pretty.
Scene 2: It is now rest period and Tyler and I are sitting on a bench, conveniently tucked in the corner so that I don't have to really be near anyone and so that I can sneak him some snacks to keep him happy for the 10 minutes that we are suppose to stay out of the water. I see two ladies walking towards me holding thier little babies and sporting thier little bikinis. I can't help but immediately think that it is just wrong and unfair that these ladies are strutting around in their little bikinis as if they have never had a baby and how it is even more unfair that they don't even look like they have had babies. Grumble, grumble (insert self-esteem destroying words here). As if that weren't bad enough, they end up sitting right next to me as if I weren't even there. But here's where it gets really good. I am trying really hard not to listen to them and to focus all of my positive energy on my beautiful boy when I hear the one woman ask her friend what her friend's husband thinks about her boobs and if he is disappointed now that she has had a baby. Ahh, my ears, my ears. I started silently humming in my head to drown out any response that might have been given and any corresponding conversation regarding the topic that might have ensued. I then hear the first woman say that her baby has a third nipple and that as soon as he was born she just knew that it was a third nipple and that she said to herself "That's a freaking third nipple" and that it was just confirmed by her pediatrician. She then went on to say that there was no way that she was going to tell her husband that it was confirmed because then he would probably use that as an excuse not to have more children because her boobs just aren't what they used to be either. HELLO SELFISH WOMEN, DO YOU SEE ME SITTING HERE? So there you have it. I am now scarred and I will never be the same. I am also now a little nervous about what swimming lessons will bring next week.
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3 comments:
totally unfair!! I never have that much fun listening to overheard conversations at the pool!! But speedo guy is there a lot. It's disturbing. I feel like someone should mention current social customs to him. Maybe he races? I don't know. Maybe we could pass a little collection can during the rest period to buy him if not board shorts, at least something mid-thigh-ish.
The women. I comfort myself because it seems like everytime I'm there, there are all these women who really shouldn't be wearing those bakinis any more, but they, like speedo man, fail to realize that we don't all want to be quite so intimately acquainted with them and their bodies.
Between reading this post and Emilia's today I am fully fortified to challenge the morning head on. Thanks for 2 sets of laughs so early!
Oh how I chuckled!
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